Transitions in Marriage; In-Law Relations

"Therefor shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife."

-Genesis 2:24

Creating relationships with in laws can be tricky but also very rewarding. It can be a challenge to mesh two different people together who have had different family traditions and to let go of our parents in a sense to find a new identity as a couple. My husband and I live in the same town as our parents. We even live just a few streets over from my parents. We are blessed to have family so near and to have our children’s grandparents close by. We honestly love it. But there have been times when parents have crowded us with spending too much time at our home. But for the most part they have allowed us to make our own choices and giving advice when asked. We have been fortunate enough to be able to grow as an individual couple and family while also remaining close with our families. Holidays can be tricky especially when dividing time and choosing which traditions to incorporate into our family. We remind ourselves that we are blending our traditions and not picking and choosing which ones are better than others. Relationships with our in laws have also been fortunately pretty easy for us. Both of our families have been accepting and loving right away from the beginning. The one thing for me that can be a challenge is that my husband’s parents speak Spanish as their primary language. They speak English but not very much and when the family is together, they naturally speak Spanish. My mother in law doesn’t speak English as easily. My Spanish is not very good; I only know a few phrases and words. To bridge this gap we make sure we spend time together and show our love through our actions. We smile at each other, hug, we help each other with meals, and other little things. Spending time with one another and voluntarily helps us overcome the language barrier we sometimes have. We don’t let the barrier keep us from spending time together. Our families have been great and have helped us grow as a couple. We strive to be equally close with both sides and even do things together as a big group with both families present. That has helped us feel like we are blending families and as the reading said the families complement each other instead of competing with each other.

Transitions in Marriage; Power Relations and Children

“Then it will be easy for the parents to instill into the hearts of their children not only love for their fathers and their mothers, not only respect and courtesy for their parents, but love and courtesy and deference between the children at home.”

-Joseph F. Smith

Being one in marriage is so important and so critical to a strong marriage. My husband and I live in the same town we both grew up in. Our parents and most of our siblings all live here too. Sometimes it can be a challenge to not let our parents or siblings get involved in decisions regarding our family life. They hear about decisions or events coming up in our family and sometimes have their opinions on the matter. We are lucky though that they are good about respecting our decisions and not giving unwanted advice. My husband and I agreed that we would never make decisions without each other, that we would discuss and make decisions together. We work together and listen to one another. Sometimes that process can be long, difficult and frustrating, but we do it together and make the final decision together too. I also liked what Joseph F. Smith said about how husbands and wives should treat one another. He said that parents should love and respect each other, and treat each other with respectful decorum and kindly regard, all the time. They should never insult, never speak slightly of each other, never use sarcasm, and never be cutting. We should hold each other in the highest esteem in the home and in the presence of our children. He then said, “Then it will be easy for the parents to instill into the hearts of their children not only love for their fathers and their mothers, not only respect and courtesy for their parents, but love and courtesy and deference between the children at home.” I think it is very important that husband and wife treat each other with respect and love, as our children will learn from that. They will see how we treat one another. I want them to love and respect their father and they won’t be able to do that if they hear negative or mean remarks from me. From my husband and I’s interaction, our children will learn how to also treat one another within our family. We want them to resolve problems together, we want them to be forgiving, to speak positively of each other, and to defend one another. They will learn all of these things from how my husband and I act. We must be good examples of love and respect.

Transitions in Marriage; Fidelity and Physical Intimacy

"Sometimes it was fun. Sometimes it was comforting, sometimes it was romantic, sometimes it was spiritual, and sometimes it was just a willingness to love. I think this really described all the things that intimacy is and does for a marriage. It doesn’t just serve one purpose."

-Sean E. Brotherson's Mother

Intimacy is an important part of marriage. It is something for me, didn’t get talked about a lot growing up. Within my family, ward and community it wasn’t talked about that much. We grew up just knowing that intimacy was for marriage and outside of marriage it wasn’t right. It was for love and for creating children. But beyond that not much else was said. As the time came closer to being married, I didn’t really know what to expect or what was now okay. The reading materials for this chapter were full of great knowledge and insight about the subject. I think talks like the ones shared should be discussed more within our families and other church settings. I think it would help promote healthy sexuality within marriages and healthy relationships as the reading stated that many couples struggle with communicating their feelings or coming to terms with intimacy. I think the reading fully expressed how intimacy should be handled and that it is okay to partake in while still showing the sacredness of intimacy and how it should be reserved for marriage. I liked what Sean E. Brotherson’s mother said about intimacy. When asked by her son what the experience was supposed to be like she replied that sometimes it was fun. Sometimes it was comforting, sometimes it was romantic, sometimes it was spiritual, and sometimes it was just a willingness to love. I think this really described all the things that intimacy is and does for a marriage. It doesn’t just serve one purpose.

 I also liked that fidelity was discussed. When it comes to being faithful there are other dimensions to that than just physical intimacy with another person. Other ways we can be unfaithful are emotional infidelity, flirting, fantasies about another person, or creating special relationships with other people. These may seem like innocent actions but they can quickly lead you down a path of infidelity. I liked the idea of spiritual fidelity from the talk by Kenneth W. Matheson. A bishop suggested thinking in terms of spiritual infidelity, as it would help us to recognize the eternal potential of our marital relationships. It would also help us to remember the covenants we made in the temple and to be careful of thoughts and deeds that could undermine those covenants. He said, “If a person is unfaithful spiritually he is not honoring his temple covenants even though he has not committed physical acts of intimacy.”

Seeking to Understand

“Perhaps the greatest comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down.”

-Marvin J. Ashton

When reading Gottman’s chapter about gridlock, I didn’t expect it to be about dreams. But it makes sense and it was an interesting read. I don’t ever want to be spouse who doesn’t support my husband’s dreams or makes him feel like he can’t tell me his dreams. No one wants his or her dreams to feel diminished or unimportant. And if there are differences in feelings or opinions, I think that is okay but it is important to be able to discuss them without hurting our spouse. I think this tied in with Goddard’s chapter about charity. We need to love and respect our spouse and his or her dreams, the perfect way to do so is through charity. Charity is the pure love of Christ. Marvin J. Ashton said this about charity, “Perhaps the greatest comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down.” I thought this was a great explanation of charity that we could apply to our lives and our marriages. Having charity is often times easier said than done. It can be hard but through constant prayer and practice we can display charity in our lives. We must make the choice to display charity in our lives and make it an attribute in our character. By bringing it upon us first, it will then come into our marriages too. Goddard stated, “Our partners will love us because we first love them. Love first. Don’t wait to be loved.” I love this statement. I know often times I can wait for my spouse to love me or take initiative instead of just loving him and taking action first. But the times I have loved first, he has quickly loved back. Things happen much quicker and easily when either one of us loves instead of withholding while waiting for the other to take action first. We need to be our best selves and focus on our spouse’s best self to overcome the gridlocks and frustrations of marriage more easily.

Managing Conflict; Consecrating Ourselves

"Consecration has everything to do with marriage. It is acting to redeem our partners and our covenants with everything we have and everything we may draw from Heaven."
-Goddard

Getting angry or frustrated in marriage happens so easily. And I can find myself saying the phrases that Elder Lynn G. Robbins brought up. I sometimes use the phrases like, “I lost my temper” “ He made me mad” “I can’t help myself”. But as Elder Robbins also said, we control our anger. It is a choice and a conscious decision. We get tricked into the mindset that our anger isn’t controllable or that it controls us. But that is not the case. Looking back at the times I have been angry and after reflecting on the experience, it’s true that as much as I don’t like to say it, I made the choice to react that way. No one made me; I made the conscious decision to be angry or frustrated. I let my temper control me. I let Satan get his way and worm his way into my life and marriage. I never want Satan in marriage, ever! But my getting angry so easily and by not controlling my anger, that is exactly what I am doing. I also thought about my children and how I don’t want them to learn bad habits of dealing with anger. I want our home to be full of love. If I easily lose my temper and deal with it with yelling and shouting, then so will they.

 I also enjoyed Goddard’s chapter about consecration. When we live the law of consecration we give up our time, talents, strength and belongings to the building of Zion. This law also needs to be used in our marriage. We need to give our selves and all that we have to our marriage and spouse to build one another up. Goddard shared his story of the toothpaste and how he is so particular with it but his wife isn’t. He then said it’s about giving up the petty preferences in order to know the godliness in our spouse’s soul. I love this as often times I can get caught up in the petty things and become annoyed. I need to put those things aside and give them up in order to see more in my spouse.

Beware of Pride

"Rather than depend on our own limited abilities, we can have the humility to go to God for help. And He is might to save- both souls and marriages."

-Goddard

Pride is so easy to get caught up in even unintentionally, as we often think of ourselves first. I know I can do this often in my marriage. I can think or say, “me, my, myself, mine” a lot more than “you, his, him”. Or I have been guilty of focusing on spouse’s weaknesses or focusing on the things he does that bother me. Goddard said, “In fact, any time we feel irritated with our spouses, that irritation is not an invitation to call out spouses to repentance but an invitation to call ourselves to repent. We are irritated because of our own lack of faith and humility.” This was such a powerful statement for me to read. It is a strong reminder on how I should act. When I am feeling irritated and focusing on the negative I am being prideful. Pride according to Ezra Taft Benson, can be hostility, opposition, or competiveness with man or God. When we are prideful we are giving power to Satan to destroy rather than to Christ who will strengthen us. Ezra Taft Benson also said that pride limits or stops progression. If we have pride in within our marriage, our marriage cannot progress. In order to gain strength from Christ and overcome pride we must bring humility and repentance into our lives. Goddard stated,” Rather than depend on our own limited abilities, we can have the humility to go to God for help. And He is mighty to save-both souls and marriages.” We need to be humble and submissive in order to rid ourselves pride. When we are humble we are more willing to see our spouse’s in positive ways rather than negative ways. We are more forgiving and are more willing to see our weaknesses instead of our spouse’s. We are able to look to ourselves and fix our own hearts instead of demeaning, competing or opposing each other. We are also blessed to have repentance in our lives so that we can start a new and try again to be better. Repentance blesses our own personal life and our marriage.

Staying Emotionally Connected

”Whatever Jesus lays his hands upon lives. If Jesus lays his hands upon a marriage, it lives. If he is allowed to lay his hands on the family, it lives.” 

President Howard W. Hunter

Goddard discussed how having faith in Jesus Christ will bless our marriage. He stated,” When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities. We should put God ahead of everyone else in our lives.” Sometimes I know I can forget God in my marriage. I’m so busy thinking of my spouse and children and their needs and trying to get things done that I forget to turn to Christ. By simply turning to Christ and putting him first, I could make my life and my families life so much easier and better. It is easy to get caught up in the world and all its demands. Goddard also said,” Satan’s best hope is to keep us from looking up. He must keep us fully absorbed with the trivial, fretting over our inconveniences and stewing over our grievances.” How true that is! When we get so caught up in the things around us we forget to turn to Christ and we play into Satan’s plan. Sometimes I can knit pick over little things or get annoyed with my spouse. I focus on the trivial things instead of the eternal things. When we focus on the eternal things and see things with an eternal aspect, we see things for what they truly are and focus on other instead of ourselves. We also have a softer heart and open mind as we try to better ourselves instead of our spouses. When I focus on Christ and have faith in him, I am full of more love and understanding with my spouse. I try harder to speak softly and forgive more. President Howard W. Hunter was quoted,”Whatever Jesus lays his hands upon lives. If Jesus lays his hands upon a marriage, it lives. If he is allowed to lay his hands on the family, it lives.” I love this quote and it has become a new favorite when thinking of my marriage and the importance of Christ.

Cherishing Your Spouse

"There are few greater gifts a couple can give each other than the joy that comes from feeling known and understood.” 

Gottman

Gottman has what he calls love maps. I think sometimes we can get caught up in our own lives, as we are apart for most of the day. I’m home doing things with our kids and he is at work, we both have online classes and callings as well. Sometimes it seems we are always so busy and don’t have very much time to relax and spend time with just each other. But even with us being so busy, we are able to relate to one another, know each other’s needs and stay relevant with one another. As Gottman said, because we have detailed love maps we are able to cope with stress and conflict.  He also said, “There are few greater gifts a couple can give each other than the joy that comes from feeling known and understood.” I love that and think it is so true! That is one of the best things about having a spouse, having someone who truly knows you and understands your feelings and needs. Having someone like that provides comfort and happiness even when things aren’t going well. I also liked that he talked about the importance of admiring and cherishing our spouse. As I read this chapter I was able to think back to all the fond memories I have had with my spouse. All the good memories really do bring back such strong feelings of happiness and love. The good memories shut out all the negative feelings. I have had many times where my husband has annoyed me or made me angry. There are times when I have been frustrated with our marriage. But when I have sat back and looked back at our past, I get those happy feelings again and the negative ones disappear quickly. I liked the activities each chapter provided and thought they were fun to do. It was fun to review how well we really know each other and they also brought up so many fun memories. These activities would be fun to go back and do every so often with my spouse as we get older and experience new things to add to our lists.

Behaviors that Negatively Affect Marriage

”Jesus’ infinite grace and goodness can conquer our smallness, selfishness, and peevishness. There is no arena of life where this conquest is more needed than in the scuffing of marriage.”

Goddard

We are extremely blessed to have the Gospel in our lives to help us through this life. Especially when it comes to marriage. Goddard stated, “I believe that the key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person-to be born again- to be a new creature in Christ. When we are more godly, fewer things bother us. And when we run into problems, we are more likely to process them in helpful ways. I love this statement. When we are more Christ-like it will especially bless our marriages. Marriage can be really hard, exhausting and frustrating. I can easily see how marriages can fall apart quickly. But when we bring the gospel into our marriage we can over come the difficulties. When we are charitable, humble and gracious we can renew our bound with our spouse, forgive and love more easily. Mistakes we tend to make in marriage can include ignoring our spouses struggles, gratifying our pride, being concerned about being right, or being absorbed in our own problems. I thought of all the times I have done these things myself! How lucky we are to have the Atonement and Christ’s example in our lives so that we can be better! That we can bring that love and that forgiveness into our marriages is wonderful. Goddard also stated,” Jesus’ infinite grace and goodness can conquer our smallness, selfishness, and peevishness. There is no arena of life where this conquest is more needed than in the scuffing of marriage.”

Eternal Marriage

“Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.”

Bruce C. Hafen

 In many marriages each spouse gives their half, splits things or sometimes say things like, my money, my car, my time. It seems like there is a mindset of 50/50. The world thinks that 50/50 is how a marriage is supposed to be to make things work, which makes sense. But we forget that 100/100 is really how it should be. I am 100 percent my husbands and he is 100 mine. We share everything 100 percent whether physical items or not. I give him 100 percent of my feelings, whatever time we spend is our time and we decide how to use it, we share our money and belongings. We give everything and all that we are and have to each other with no reservations. That sounds so cheesy but that’s how it is!

I also liked what Parley P. Pratt said about the blessings of doctrinal ideal marriage. He said, “I had loved before, but I knew not why. But now I loved—with a pureness—an intensity of elevated, exalted feeling, which would lift my soul from the transitory things of this groveling sphere and expand it as the ocean. … In short, I could now love with the spirit and with the understanding also.” Eternal marriage definitely takes our marriage to another, complete level as we see the bigger picture and importance of marriage. To me knowing the eternal perspective of marriage, makes me want to work on marriage that much harder. I remember how sacred it is when times are hard. Marriage is not something to only get us through this life. It lasts through time and eternity. Knowing that also made me choose my spouse carefully. Marriage was something I took seriously and knew I wanted it to last with someone who felt the same way as I did about marriage. In my own marriage I have felt the same things Parley P. Pratt described.

Threats to Marriage

"Will you be ashamed of the gospel? Will you be ashamed of the Lord and His plan? Will you yield to the voices of those who would have you join them on the popular side of contemporary history?"

Russel M. Nelson

Same sex marriage can be such a sensitive topic. It can be hard to stand up for traditional marriage without sounding discriminating or hateful. The reasons supporting same sex marriage make sense, they sound nice and we all want to everyone to be happy and have equal rights. So being against same marriage can make you feel like you are mean or hateful because all of that makes sense. But I love the reasoning behind traditional marriage. I liked this statement from the Supreme Court reading, “The real question in these cases is what constitutes marriage-or more precisely- who decides what constitutes marriage.” They go on to say, “When the fixed rules which govern the rules of interpretation of law are abandoned and the theoretical of individuals are allowed to control the constitution’s meaning ‘we have no longer a constitution; we are under the government of individual men, who for the time being have power to declare what the constitution is according to their own views of what it ought to mean.” I think this is great reminder that there is a bigger picture to the debate. And also relates to Russell M. Nelson’s talk that we cannot change God’s law. He says that human judges did not create marriage, nor did bloggers, or popular vote. God created marriage. I think this is important to remember. That God did indeed create marriage. The God who knows all and has an infinite plan for us created marriage to be between man and woman. This not an idea he randomly threw together It had purpose and importance. From marriages between man and woman, children and families are created.  By no other way can they be created. Defending traditional marriage can be hard. But it was stated that it is not expected to be easy or comfortable to be a witness of God. But the time has come that we can no longer be quiet or ashamed of what we believe. It can be very hard and intimidating but God alone will be our judge and not the world. These were great readings to remind us of the bigger picture involved and what really matters.

Marriage + Divorce

"The time will come when only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families in the midst of the gathering evil around us"

Spencer W. Kimball

Today traditional marriages and two parent homes are losing their value. Cohabitation, single parenthood, divorce, and fatherless children are occurring more and are becoming more accepted. The value and importance of marriage is being lost. Satan is very good at tricking us and misleading us away from what is good. The world tells us that the other options are better or work just as well, that there are no damaging effects. We need to educate ourselves and others on marriage. Marriage means commitment and stability not only for spouses but their children too. Spouses and children are able to thrive and grow when there is stability. We need to believe in marriage and the power and value it holds. We also need to be actively working on our marriages and family relationships. Spending quality time with each other is important. Not just merely being in the same room, but engaging with each other by talking, playing and interacting. I want my spouse and children to know that they are important and how much I love them by the words I say and the actions I take. We can't be distracted from our families and let ourselves think that other things are more important. Family must be our main priority over other people and activities. As President Kimball said, this is the only way we will be able to preserve our family.