Transitions in Marriage; In-Law Relations

"Therefor shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife."

-Genesis 2:24

Creating relationships with in laws can be tricky but also very rewarding. It can be a challenge to mesh two different people together who have had different family traditions and to let go of our parents in a sense to find a new identity as a couple. My husband and I live in the same town as our parents. We even live just a few streets over from my parents. We are blessed to have family so near and to have our children’s grandparents close by. We honestly love it. But there have been times when parents have crowded us with spending too much time at our home. But for the most part they have allowed us to make our own choices and giving advice when asked. We have been fortunate enough to be able to grow as an individual couple and family while also remaining close with our families. Holidays can be tricky especially when dividing time and choosing which traditions to incorporate into our family. We remind ourselves that we are blending our traditions and not picking and choosing which ones are better than others. Relationships with our in laws have also been fortunately pretty easy for us. Both of our families have been accepting and loving right away from the beginning. The one thing for me that can be a challenge is that my husband’s parents speak Spanish as their primary language. They speak English but not very much and when the family is together, they naturally speak Spanish. My mother in law doesn’t speak English as easily. My Spanish is not very good; I only know a few phrases and words. To bridge this gap we make sure we spend time together and show our love through our actions. We smile at each other, hug, we help each other with meals, and other little things. Spending time with one another and voluntarily helps us overcome the language barrier we sometimes have. We don’t let the barrier keep us from spending time together. Our families have been great and have helped us grow as a couple. We strive to be equally close with both sides and even do things together as a big group with both families present. That has helped us feel like we are blending families and as the reading said the families complement each other instead of competing with each other.

Transitions in Marriage; Power Relations and Children

“Then it will be easy for the parents to instill into the hearts of their children not only love for their fathers and their mothers, not only respect and courtesy for their parents, but love and courtesy and deference between the children at home.”

-Joseph F. Smith

Being one in marriage is so important and so critical to a strong marriage. My husband and I live in the same town we both grew up in. Our parents and most of our siblings all live here too. Sometimes it can be a challenge to not let our parents or siblings get involved in decisions regarding our family life. They hear about decisions or events coming up in our family and sometimes have their opinions on the matter. We are lucky though that they are good about respecting our decisions and not giving unwanted advice. My husband and I agreed that we would never make decisions without each other, that we would discuss and make decisions together. We work together and listen to one another. Sometimes that process can be long, difficult and frustrating, but we do it together and make the final decision together too. I also liked what Joseph F. Smith said about how husbands and wives should treat one another. He said that parents should love and respect each other, and treat each other with respectful decorum and kindly regard, all the time. They should never insult, never speak slightly of each other, never use sarcasm, and never be cutting. We should hold each other in the highest esteem in the home and in the presence of our children. He then said, “Then it will be easy for the parents to instill into the hearts of their children not only love for their fathers and their mothers, not only respect and courtesy for their parents, but love and courtesy and deference between the children at home.” I think it is very important that husband and wife treat each other with respect and love, as our children will learn from that. They will see how we treat one another. I want them to love and respect their father and they won’t be able to do that if they hear negative or mean remarks from me. From my husband and I’s interaction, our children will learn how to also treat one another within our family. We want them to resolve problems together, we want them to be forgiving, to speak positively of each other, and to defend one another. They will learn all of these things from how my husband and I act. We must be good examples of love and respect.

Transitions in Marriage; Fidelity and Physical Intimacy

"Sometimes it was fun. Sometimes it was comforting, sometimes it was romantic, sometimes it was spiritual, and sometimes it was just a willingness to love. I think this really described all the things that intimacy is and does for a marriage. It doesn’t just serve one purpose."

-Sean E. Brotherson's Mother

Intimacy is an important part of marriage. It is something for me, didn’t get talked about a lot growing up. Within my family, ward and community it wasn’t talked about that much. We grew up just knowing that intimacy was for marriage and outside of marriage it wasn’t right. It was for love and for creating children. But beyond that not much else was said. As the time came closer to being married, I didn’t really know what to expect or what was now okay. The reading materials for this chapter were full of great knowledge and insight about the subject. I think talks like the ones shared should be discussed more within our families and other church settings. I think it would help promote healthy sexuality within marriages and healthy relationships as the reading stated that many couples struggle with communicating their feelings or coming to terms with intimacy. I think the reading fully expressed how intimacy should be handled and that it is okay to partake in while still showing the sacredness of intimacy and how it should be reserved for marriage. I liked what Sean E. Brotherson’s mother said about intimacy. When asked by her son what the experience was supposed to be like she replied that sometimes it was fun. Sometimes it was comforting, sometimes it was romantic, sometimes it was spiritual, and sometimes it was just a willingness to love. I think this really described all the things that intimacy is and does for a marriage. It doesn’t just serve one purpose.

 I also liked that fidelity was discussed. When it comes to being faithful there are other dimensions to that than just physical intimacy with another person. Other ways we can be unfaithful are emotional infidelity, flirting, fantasies about another person, or creating special relationships with other people. These may seem like innocent actions but they can quickly lead you down a path of infidelity. I liked the idea of spiritual fidelity from the talk by Kenneth W. Matheson. A bishop suggested thinking in terms of spiritual infidelity, as it would help us to recognize the eternal potential of our marital relationships. It would also help us to remember the covenants we made in the temple and to be careful of thoughts and deeds that could undermine those covenants. He said, “If a person is unfaithful spiritually he is not honoring his temple covenants even though he has not committed physical acts of intimacy.”

Seeking to Understand

“Perhaps the greatest comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down.”

-Marvin J. Ashton

When reading Gottman’s chapter about gridlock, I didn’t expect it to be about dreams. But it makes sense and it was an interesting read. I don’t ever want to be spouse who doesn’t support my husband’s dreams or makes him feel like he can’t tell me his dreams. No one wants his or her dreams to feel diminished or unimportant. And if there are differences in feelings or opinions, I think that is okay but it is important to be able to discuss them without hurting our spouse. I think this tied in with Goddard’s chapter about charity. We need to love and respect our spouse and his or her dreams, the perfect way to do so is through charity. Charity is the pure love of Christ. Marvin J. Ashton said this about charity, “Perhaps the greatest comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down.” I thought this was a great explanation of charity that we could apply to our lives and our marriages. Having charity is often times easier said than done. It can be hard but through constant prayer and practice we can display charity in our lives. We must make the choice to display charity in our lives and make it an attribute in our character. By bringing it upon us first, it will then come into our marriages too. Goddard stated, “Our partners will love us because we first love them. Love first. Don’t wait to be loved.” I love this statement. I know often times I can wait for my spouse to love me or take initiative instead of just loving him and taking action first. But the times I have loved first, he has quickly loved back. Things happen much quicker and easily when either one of us loves instead of withholding while waiting for the other to take action first. We need to be our best selves and focus on our spouse’s best self to overcome the gridlocks and frustrations of marriage more easily.

Managing Conflict; Consecrating Ourselves

"Consecration has everything to do with marriage. It is acting to redeem our partners and our covenants with everything we have and everything we may draw from Heaven."
-Goddard

Getting angry or frustrated in marriage happens so easily. And I can find myself saying the phrases that Elder Lynn G. Robbins brought up. I sometimes use the phrases like, “I lost my temper” “ He made me mad” “I can’t help myself”. But as Elder Robbins also said, we control our anger. It is a choice and a conscious decision. We get tricked into the mindset that our anger isn’t controllable or that it controls us. But that is not the case. Looking back at the times I have been angry and after reflecting on the experience, it’s true that as much as I don’t like to say it, I made the choice to react that way. No one made me; I made the conscious decision to be angry or frustrated. I let my temper control me. I let Satan get his way and worm his way into my life and marriage. I never want Satan in marriage, ever! But my getting angry so easily and by not controlling my anger, that is exactly what I am doing. I also thought about my children and how I don’t want them to learn bad habits of dealing with anger. I want our home to be full of love. If I easily lose my temper and deal with it with yelling and shouting, then so will they.

 I also enjoyed Goddard’s chapter about consecration. When we live the law of consecration we give up our time, talents, strength and belongings to the building of Zion. This law also needs to be used in our marriage. We need to give our selves and all that we have to our marriage and spouse to build one another up. Goddard shared his story of the toothpaste and how he is so particular with it but his wife isn’t. He then said it’s about giving up the petty preferences in order to know the godliness in our spouse’s soul. I love this as often times I can get caught up in the petty things and become annoyed. I need to put those things aside and give them up in order to see more in my spouse.

Beware of Pride

"Rather than depend on our own limited abilities, we can have the humility to go to God for help. And He is might to save- both souls and marriages."

-Goddard

Pride is so easy to get caught up in even unintentionally, as we often think of ourselves first. I know I can do this often in my marriage. I can think or say, “me, my, myself, mine” a lot more than “you, his, him”. Or I have been guilty of focusing on spouse’s weaknesses or focusing on the things he does that bother me. Goddard said, “In fact, any time we feel irritated with our spouses, that irritation is not an invitation to call out spouses to repentance but an invitation to call ourselves to repent. We are irritated because of our own lack of faith and humility.” This was such a powerful statement for me to read. It is a strong reminder on how I should act. When I am feeling irritated and focusing on the negative I am being prideful. Pride according to Ezra Taft Benson, can be hostility, opposition, or competiveness with man or God. When we are prideful we are giving power to Satan to destroy rather than to Christ who will strengthen us. Ezra Taft Benson also said that pride limits or stops progression. If we have pride in within our marriage, our marriage cannot progress. In order to gain strength from Christ and overcome pride we must bring humility and repentance into our lives. Goddard stated,” Rather than depend on our own limited abilities, we can have the humility to go to God for help. And He is mighty to save-both souls and marriages.” We need to be humble and submissive in order to rid ourselves pride. When we are humble we are more willing to see our spouse’s in positive ways rather than negative ways. We are more forgiving and are more willing to see our weaknesses instead of our spouse’s. We are able to look to ourselves and fix our own hearts instead of demeaning, competing or opposing each other. We are also blessed to have repentance in our lives so that we can start a new and try again to be better. Repentance blesses our own personal life and our marriage.

Staying Emotionally Connected

”Whatever Jesus lays his hands upon lives. If Jesus lays his hands upon a marriage, it lives. If he is allowed to lay his hands on the family, it lives.” 

President Howard W. Hunter

Goddard discussed how having faith in Jesus Christ will bless our marriage. He stated,” When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities. We should put God ahead of everyone else in our lives.” Sometimes I know I can forget God in my marriage. I’m so busy thinking of my spouse and children and their needs and trying to get things done that I forget to turn to Christ. By simply turning to Christ and putting him first, I could make my life and my families life so much easier and better. It is easy to get caught up in the world and all its demands. Goddard also said,” Satan’s best hope is to keep us from looking up. He must keep us fully absorbed with the trivial, fretting over our inconveniences and stewing over our grievances.” How true that is! When we get so caught up in the things around us we forget to turn to Christ and we play into Satan’s plan. Sometimes I can knit pick over little things or get annoyed with my spouse. I focus on the trivial things instead of the eternal things. When we focus on the eternal things and see things with an eternal aspect, we see things for what they truly are and focus on other instead of ourselves. We also have a softer heart and open mind as we try to better ourselves instead of our spouses. When I focus on Christ and have faith in him, I am full of more love and understanding with my spouse. I try harder to speak softly and forgive more. President Howard W. Hunter was quoted,”Whatever Jesus lays his hands upon lives. If Jesus lays his hands upon a marriage, it lives. If he is allowed to lay his hands on the family, it lives.” I love this quote and it has become a new favorite when thinking of my marriage and the importance of Christ.